My Inner Bitch: Learning and Adjusting


Damnation Alley (album)

Damnation Alley (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

This blog is a journal of my travel down the path of my own female-led relationship.

 

I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination. Right now, I am still very much a novice, feeling my way around.

 

Thankfully, this is not rocket science, so the learning curve can be steep without me falling all the way off.

 

Since you last heard from me, I have been busy making adjustments to the techniques I use to train and play with My Pet.

 

Having grown up and being well-known as a “good girl” or a “nice girl” making the adjustment to becoming more commanding or being more bitchy has been difficult.

 

They used to call me “Laura Ingalls” in high school, for goodness sakes!

 

I’ve always been kind of kinky and wild in the bedroom and I have never had much trouble telling my lovers just exactly what I wanted in bed.

 

The problem that My Pet and I encountered was that he was getting self-conscious about me giving him so much instruction, in the bedroom. In return, I was letting him off the hook for doing things to me that I enjoyed, because I was getting as tired of giving so much instruction, as he was getting tired of receiving it.

 

I am finding that I am doing the same thing, now, out of the bedroom. Letting him off the hook or giving a light touch of weak discipline when he screws up in our every day life.

 

I won’t say that it’s not warranted, sometimes. He recently lost his job of almost seven years and when he came home, he looked like he had been kicked in the teeth. Then was not the time to bring out my inner bitch and risk demoralizing him more.

 

But, I have noticed that the weakness in myself is letting him off the hook for rules that I have created that he passive-aggressively refuses to abide or does a lackluster job of abiding.

 

He does this puppy dog moan, groan and whine thing that absolutely gets on my nerves, whenever he is trying to get me to change my mind.

 

When I see that, I usually get to feeling sorry for him and whatever rule he has broken or wishes to break is usually excused or thrown out of the window.

 

But, lately, I have noticed that old feeling, that feeling that got us here in the first place, where I am resenting him for making me bow to his wishes, instead of abiding my own.

 

He is using the tried and true male tactics and manipulations that get many men over on their women to give them sex or allow them some privilege that they know their partner wants no part of. And my old self feels sorry for him and to avoid the discomfort of conflict, I give in.

 

Then, recently, I got to reading one of my favorite go-to sites: Worshipping Your Wife and this article: NANCY & DENNIS: TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE: OBEDIENCE, where the author discusses “the four things that bring about a happy female-led marriage”.

 

My Pet and I have a lock on numbers 2, 3, and 4, but he has not mastered number 1. Not even close.

 

Number one, getting his full obedience, requires me putting on the armor of my Inner Bitch and reminding him, who’s boss, and not allowing him to use the puppy dog face/noises to get over because he doesn’t feel like or want to do it.

 

I’m coming to this lifestyle pretty late in the game. I’m almost as old as Madonna! It’s been hard to overcome my former “Little House” ways.

 

I guess, if I’m being truthful, I’ll admit that I have trust issues. That I don’t trust that he won’t up and leave me because he doesn’t like my Inner Bitch as much as I do.

 

On the other hand, I don’t trust that our marriage can last if it’s always going to be him doing the puppy dog nonsense and I’m always giving in to keep the peace, either.

 

I’m researching ways to discipline him, appropriately, that don’t include hitting or other types of corporal punishment.

 

In the meantime, My Pet and I have had a chat where I have told him that I will be expressing myself more assertively and aggressively, from now on, and that I will come off as a bitch, because of it. His puppy dog act won’t fly, anymore. He didn’t seem too pleased about that, but I have reminded him that we are not going back to the way things used to be; I wasn’t pleased about that.

 

Speaking of Madonna, I may have to put on a little role-play to get used to this new expression that I am embracing. Imagine how such a powerful woman gets control of her men. I think I’ll even name my Inner Bitch after her.

 

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