I hate playing “The Heavy“.
I really do.
Everybody seems to love me and the ones that don’t are jaded people that don’t trust that another human being can be so nice.
The people who really love me, and by love, I mean people who want to take advantage of me, do so because they know that I have a hard time saying “No!” This includes husbands; past and present.
As a mother of four children; his, mine, and ours, I have had to learn, on many occasions what tough love is all about. When you have children, you learn pretty quickly the ways that they will manipulate you to get their own way. If you are a smart parent, you will learn to nip their manipulations in the bud, when they are in their “terrible twos” so that by the time they are five and fifteen, they know that Mommy will not be trifled with. Eventually, you can teach them to have their tantrums, in private; that it’s okay to be mad at Mommy, but Mommy will not tolerate disrespect and their feelings about their discipline or their lack of certain privileges are not Mommy’s problem, so long as their fundamental needs are met and they are safe. My children are not punished for telling me “I hate you!” or “You’re the worst mom, ever!”, but, they are reminded that I have their best interests, at heart, and one day they will come to realize it, even if it takes years.
The traditional husband and wife dance has similar issues. One spouse wants something that they know that the other spouse is not pleased to support, so the one spouse throws a tantrum, causing consternation in the relationship, in hopes of getting the other spouse to back down, to keep the peace or they use other forms of manipulations, like gifts or sex, to get their way.
In a FLR home, this behavior cannot be tolerated. Much like a five year old must be disciplined for throwing their toys at their siblings, an obstinate husband must be reminded who is in charge.
In a comment on my last post, I was asked why I insist on making My Pet smile, regardless of how he is feeling, particularly since feelings are personal and should not be moderated. There is an exception to that rule. The exception is when you are aware that someone is using their emotions to manipulate yours. Forcing My Pet to smile, even when he is not in the mood, particularly when we are in public, is because I am aware that his moody look is his passive-aggressive way of drawing attention to himself and forcing me to baby him, either publicly or privately. He knows that I cannot stand his puppy dog face, that my emotions get the better of me and that I let my guard down and turn to rescuer rather than leader. This is why our FLR has been stumbling. Because, like Laura Ingalls, I want everyone, especially my husband, to like me, and so I will let my guard down, time and time, again, let him have his way and before we know it, we are back at our troubles and he is whining about why he hasn’t been allowed to have sex, yet again.
In fact, our recent troubles, the troubles that led to that last email and subsequent blog post, were precipitated by the fact that we had sexual intercourse, for the first time in months. I let my guard down and there he was, with his puppy dog face. He had assumed that because we had had sex that things were back to normal; before FLR, normal. He was upset that I was still treating him as My Pet and he was acting out, believing that we were equals, again, but that I wasn’t respecting him.
That was the point that I realized that he was using moodiness to try and control me and how I treat him. What spouse wants to hear, “You’re the worst partner ever!”?
Then, I thought of my kids and the many times they have tried to use their moods to manipulate me (if I give her the silent treatment, she’ll feel bad and then she’ll come crawling back to give me back my XBox privileges and I win).
This is also where memories of my first bygone marriage came flooding back; how The Wasbund used to use his moodiness to manipulate me to cancel my Girl’s Nite Out Plans or even call in sick to work because “he needed me”, even if I invited him to come along, how touched my girlfriends were because The Wasbund was “so sensitive” and how, he used to his moodiness to control everything in that first marriage. I eventually learned not to plan Girl’s Nite Out, to avoid his moods. I did, also, however learn to put my foot down when it came to going to work (I was self-employed).
My Pet was never moody when he was getting all the sex that he wanted, in the way that he wanted. He was as happy as a clam, even when I wasn’t. But, when I wanted to use sex toys to enhance our love-making and make it more pleasurable for myself, he would get moody, so I wouldn’t bring them out, except for when I was alone and then, eventually, I would avoid having sex with him, all together, because I knew that sex was not going to end in the result that I wanted. Of course, this made him moody, as well.
I am well aware that some of his moodiness is real and truly heartfelt. He lost his means to take care of me and his family and now must rely on a part-time job, in which I am his supervisor, in order to pull his weight in our household. I totally get that. I totally get that his ex-wife is a shrew and that his mother is also on his back about his inability to care for us like he has done in the past. He feels like a failure and I know that he takes it hard when I tell him that I don’t like how he does some things. It broke his heart to hear that I was unhappy in our bed.
But, another reason that I seek to control whether or not he smiles, is to teach him to control his moodiness, whatever the reason. Nobody else, in the real world, gives two shits that he’s having a bad day or a bad life. They want service with a smile. Period. When he comes around being moody, real or FLR-induced, he is putting on a face that nobody else wants or needs to see. He has gotten by with this because he has most often had jobs where he was invisible, where he was just a voice on a telephone or the guy in the backroom, just doing what he is told. But, he is not invisible to me and this new job that he currently has, requires him to be more upbeat and outgoing. I’m trying to teach him to fake it, even if he doesn’t feel like he can make it. I made him start a gratitude list, so that he can reflect on it in order to help him find a good reason to smile, even if it’s a small one.
I’m also trying to train myself to stop being such a big softie. I am very perceptive, so I know when he has reached his limit, but just like with the children, I try to communicate with him in a stern voice, remind him that I do love and respect him, but that I have his (and our) best interests, at heart, even if he doesn’t realize it, just yet.
I have to be tough to get him to understand that I am in charge, that his tantrums (via his moodiness) will not be tolerated, and that the sooner he understands that, the better we will get along. We are both still learning. In fact, just like with my children, when they are giving me the silent treatment, I try to give him his space, so that he can be allowed to feel his moods, until he is ready to come to me with a genuine and loving heart. He sees this and later comes to me, sometimes even sitting and waiting for me, so that he can kiss my feet and kiss my lips, with apologies for being obstinate.
Maybe it’s too soon to tell, but for now, I have no regrets about being tough on him.
My Pet and I had a bit of an episode the other day that almost resulted in the complete breakdown of our entire relationship.
He was appearing to make some good changes and then he suffered a setback.
The setback was, a number of days in a row, of him making jokes at my expense and me having to sit him down to write sentences and offering a lame apology that including him excusing himself because “that’s just the kind of guy he is”.
That comment set me off and ended up with me reading him the riot act about being impertinent.
Emotionally, we were both a wreck the next day. The word “divorce” came up, again. We discussed living in a love-less, sex-less marriage and how he was okay with me taking a lover and I decided to roll over and fall asleep, while he was talking.
I didn’t want to hear it. But, I didn’t know what to do. I decided to let him off the hook, telling him that we would just take care of our own needs, for the time being, until he could decide what he really wanted (if being “that kind of guy” was more important to him than making me happy).
The entire day went by and I felt defeated, like I had been kicked in the gut. He didn’t look much better. We barely spoke.
Then, when I had gathered my senses, I wrote him a long email, listing all of my grievances and exactly what he needed to do to fix them.
I know that my husband has been suffering from depression since he was let go from his last job and that has been a lot of his reaction to our FLR. He wants to please, but he believes that he’s changing too much or that he can’t keep up with all the rules because he’s not as organized or as perceptive as I am. So, I wrote him the following email:
I want to save our marriage and our FLR.
I love you. But, I hate that you are unhappy. Sadly, the more I contemplate why that is, the more I realize that it’s about your own issues and not necessarily about me. Our FLR was going pretty well until (your old job) let you go. Everything has kind of been a roller-coaster, ever since.
If I did not believe that you had the ability to change your life, for the better, I would not have married you, in the first place. But, I am getting sick and tired of this pity party. I know suffering from depression is difficult, but it can often be tempered with a more positive outlook on life, versus the negative messages you repeat to yourself over and over, again.
This and other rules that we will use going forward is what your notebook, that I had you buy, last week, is for.
Every single day, you will start a gratitude list. A list of 5 or more things that you are grateful for, even if you are having a shit day. Something as simple as “grateful for smoke breaks” or “grateful for bacon” is allowed, but look forward more to, “grateful I have a job (any job) or “grateful for my Diva” is more along the lines of things I would like to see on your lists.
You will continue with your chores and if/when you get clarification on things that I tell you, you will write it down in your notebook. You won’t have to guess if you write things down and refer to your notebook on a daily basis. I will have you add to or delete rules from your book at my whim.
Just as I require you to draw me a bath every night, I require you to shower, every night, as well.
You may cut your hair every two weeks, but you must continue shaving, every day (I prefer you clean shaven).
You will get rid of that Avalanche sweatshirt. I don’t like how it looks on you.
You will wash your coats once a week (the gray one and the red/black one) to eliminate the cigarette smell.
You will not make jokes about me or any other woman, whether you are in my presence or not.
Unless it is an issue of legal vs illegal, I am always right, even if you strongly disagree.
When I ask for your opinion, I really do want it. But, I am allowed to dismiss it, if I disagree.
I do not like pep talks, even when I am in a bad mood. I most often just want you to listen. I do not want your advice, unless I ask specifically for it.
You will ask before you do anything of consequence, including smoking a cigarette, eating around me (because you know that listening to you eat annoys me), or leaving to run errands or go for a walk of any kind, even when I am not around.
You will carefully check labels before you buy me things that contain sucralose, Acesulfame potassium, or phenylalanine.
When you are in my presence, you will wear an apron (this is in place of a collar) to show your deference to me. If you misbehave, you will be required to wear that apron and nothing else, whenever you are at home (only with boxer shorts, if others are home).
I am sorry if you believe that I am being hard on you, but I am trying to build you into the man that I know that you can be. Suck it up and NO mumbling, if you don’t like the directions that I am giving you. Keep your tongue in your mouth and move slowly and cautiously when you feel like you are getting angry. That is a sign of impertinence and grounds for sentences and being naked in nothing but an apron.
You will always refer in terms of “Yes, Ma’am” and “No, Ma’am” to any female that you come in contact with. No exceptions. I do not care how you refer to other men. If a woman is in need of assistance, you will be the first to volunteer, whether you want to or not, unless the assistance is beyond your skillset.
You will smile and be polite, not sullen and grumpy whenever you are in my presence. You will fake it. I don’t care if you aren’t really making it. Save your negative emotions for your daily grooming time or when you have alone time on the internet.
You will kiss my feet and lips, before leaving my presence, when we are at home. If you forget this, you will be required to kneel at my feet, naked, while I rest my feet on your back for 30 minutes and then you will write sentences. When we are in public, you will kiss my hand, instead, as well as my lips.
I will always expect an apology for your misbehavior and a thank you when you have been corrected (disciplined).
During sex, I will allow for you to go down on me and then have intercourse with me, bareback with your own penis. After you have come, then all pleasure is mine and you will not tire, until I do. Learn to listen carefully to my directions when you are wearing the new penis-extension and pay attention to the sounds that I make, that should be sufficient guidance to you, even if you cannot “feel” how things are going.
If you are feeling horny or amorous and have the desire to tell me of your feelings, you must ask permission to do so first. You are not allowed to touch or approach me in a romantic or sexual manner without first getting my blessing, in case I am not in the mood. You will keep track of my menstrual cycle in your notebook and even keep track of the days before or after my period that I am more likely to accept your advances so that you have a better idea of when to approach me romantically or sexually.
I will write ALONE every day that I am home, at approximately 3pm. You may not take a walk, but you may set up shop at the desk, in the spare room, with your own laptop, to give me the time that I need, however long it takes, to get my writing done. You may take the dog out, with permission, as needed.
I will no longer say please or thank you as I expect you to follow my directions, knowing that those two things are implied. I will show my gratitude in other ways, such as when I allow you to do things like go for a walk or smoke a cigarette in my presence.
As it is, YOU have actually been the one controlling our FLR with your passive-aggressive moods when you don’t like what I ask of you, but that stops now. It’s ALL my way, or the highway. There is no more compromise, because that has not worked. There is no need for you to take anything personally, because it’s about ME not you. When I am happier, you will be happier (maybe not happy, just happi-ER), so use that to your advantage and to work on our marriage.
Simply reply to this email with, “Yes, Diva”, the proper response to every directive that I give you and with a smile on your face, whether you mean it or not.
He replied, a short time later, with “Yes, Diva” and not another word has been spoken about the incident, since.
I later witnessed him taking his notebook and copying from his email, the directions that I submitted to him and he immediately began implementing every directive that I gave him.
I’m just hoping that this time, it sticks. He’s not going to like what my Plan B or C is.
Everything on this blog tends to take my life a bit too seriously, but I’m actually a pretty fun person. So, I’ve decided to share with you ten other things that you might find of interest about me.
- I used to enjoy being a submissive. Getting tied up and played with, used to be a great turn-on, until a horrible experience I had with a bad partner.
- I would probably take the whip to My Pet, but I can’t stand to see a grown man cry.
- I am polyamorous, although I haven’t practiced since I met my husband.
- I wish I still had the partner who gave me the most perfect foot rubs, making intercourse seem like washing the dishes.
- I hate wearing lingerie. A t-shirt and a thong are all I need to feel sexy.
- I own several pairs of sexy shoes that I never wear, except to take photos of my feet.
- One of the first things I gave up, when taking up FLR was fellatio.
- I love teasing my partner with a full-body ice cube massage.
- I like to indulge in viewing erotic pictures and movies, with or without my partner.
- I love taking bubble baths because it’s the only time that nobody ever bothers me and I can masturbate in peace.
Now it’s your turn. Please indulge my curiosity and tell me ten things about you.
At least, he’s trying to be.
Ever since he read Worshipping Your Wife, he seems like a changed man.
His attitude, has changed. He seems to be taking admonishment and punishment with a little less grump. When he does get grumpy, he seems to be trying his best to conceal it better, although now I’ve noticed that he’s begun mumbling to himself, more often.
He texts me, every day, with comments like, “
I’m really impressed with his progress. He really seems to be taking everything to heart. I can tell on one hand that he’s kind of faking it, but sometimes, faking in practice can help you learn new habits, over time. He’s a good pet for continuing to try. This is how I know that he loves me and wants our FLR to work.
I’ve, recently, made up a couple of new rules:
“Ask, first. Don’t assume.”
He tries very hard to anticipate my needs, but, sometimes he’s off the mark. So, instead of letting him try to figure out things for himself, I want to make sure that he knows exactly what I desire, rather than having him guess incorrectly. I try to give him step by step directions for whatever it is that I am requesting of him, taking away any guess work on his part. He has finally gotten into the habit of asking me first before he does anything, at home and at work, so that he can be sure that he won’t upset me, even if it’s a routine that hasn’t changed in weeks or months. He still needs a little work, but he is improving, quite nicely.
“Keep your phone on you, at all times.”
He’s got several annoying ringtones on his mobile phone. He tends to be hard of hearing, so I forgive their volume, but I draw the line at having to chase his phone, when he’s not around to turn those annoying sounds off. Because my new job duties require me to be on call, every day, I need him to have his phone on him, even if he’s taking the dog for a short walk, so that he can hurry home and help me get to work or just so that I can inform him that I won’t be home when he gets back.
“Draw me a bath every night by 10pm and towel me off when I’m done.”
Now that I am on call, seven days a week, that means I have to be ready to be out of the house at a moment’s notice. On a regular work day, a morning shower is no big deal, as it’s plotted into my morning ritual. But, on my day’s off, I’m used to waiting to get into the shower based on the needs of the day. If nobody needs me, I may go without one. But, nowadays, my phone rings constantly and I hate leaving the house when I don’t have time to freshen up, properly. I tried taking showers, in the evening, but showers tend to energize me, leaving me wide awake in the middle of the night. On the other hand, there are few things, besides a glass of wine, that relax me more than a hot bath. So, now, he draws my bath, every night, with a glass of wine, if available, and I sleep like a baby and I’m ready to run if my phone rings, unexpectedly, during the day.
I have him dry me off, after the bath, because it adds an erotic element to our every day routine. Bathtime used to be a guarantee that we would have Play Time, but now, it’s like playing the lottery, for him. He gets to touch my body, but he may or may not get to enjoy pleasuring it.
It hasn’t been long, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up, too high. We’ve had several hiccups because his continued resistance to my discipline methods. If I snap at him, too sharply, he gets angry and snaps back. He gets upset if I go too long without allowing him to pleasure me. But, for now, he seems to be doing really well and I want to encourage that progress.
If he keeps on the path that he’s on he’ll be a four-star pet before too long.
The more they stay the same.
My boss passed away, last week, and I was promoted to fill his shoes.
That means that not only am I The Diva to My Pet, at home, I am also The Diva to My Pet, at work.
When I discovered some of the things that he was getting by with, I was admittedly furious. When the boss was around, I left well enough alone and let the both of them discuss work-related issues, without my input. But, now that I’m in charge, I have admittedly, been very hard on My Pet to get his act together. I don’t want him to embarrass me now that I am in charge of overseeing his and other employees’ work. I can’t have My Pet getting away with doing shoddy work, just because we are married. And, I won’t have him affect my ability to keep my job because I can’t manage him or his work quality, properly.
I know that I shamed him, when I ripped into him, in private, about a mistake that he made, on the job, the other day. I felt bad for lambasting him, but I needed him to understand that I expect more from him than from anyone else. I will now be the voice that answers the call when someone calls for a job reference, as he’s still looking for full-time work and I will not give any kind of glowing reference for anyone who is doing sloppy work, even if I am married to him. He doesn’t get a break, just because he’s My Pet.
I decided to step up his and my own re-education into a Wife Dominated or Female Led Relationship, as lately, he has started to slip into his old casual self. I need him to understand what’s at stake and what’s expected and I need a bit more training as to what I can do to make it easier for him to remember his place and even for me to remember mine.
It’s so easy to slip back in to those old comfortable roles, even if they made us unhappy.
First, we got some new toys to enhance our Sexy Time.
Then, we purchased a couple of books on the topic of Female Led Relationships. We are currently reading Worshipping Your Wife: by Mark Remond, and its companion, Worshipping Your Wife 2. Mark Remond is also responsible for a blog that I have had the pleasure of guest posting on: Worshipping Your Wife.
My Pet has been taking his reading very seriously and I have noticed a refreshing change in his demeanor and his behavior. But, it’s only been a few days, so only time will tell if the lessons and stories will stick.
Our toys haven’t arrived yet, but I’m sure that will definitely liven things up, quite a bit. Then we’ll see how much things will change around here.
Due to the loss of a close family friend and other issues that have arisen due to our loved ones passing, I will be unable to blog or post for the next several days/weeks.
When life returns to a normal pace, blogging will resume on a more consistent basis.
Thank you for supporting this blog. I promise to be back up and running in due time.