My Pet and I had a bit of an episode the other day that almost resulted in the complete breakdown of our entire relationship.
He was appearing to make some good changes and then he suffered a setback.
The setback was, a number of days in a row, of him making jokes at my expense and me having to sit him down to write sentences and offering a lame apology that including him excusing himself because “that’s just the kind of guy he is”.
That comment set me off and ended up with me reading him the riot act about being impertinent.
Emotionally, we were both a wreck the next day. The word “divorce” came up, again. We discussed living in a love-less, sex-less marriage and how he was okay with me taking a lover and I decided to roll over and fall asleep, while he was talking.
I didn’t want to hear it. But, I didn’t know what to do. I decided to let him off the hook, telling him that we would just take care of our own needs, for the time being, until he could decide what he really wanted (if being “that kind of guy” was more important to him than making me happy).
The entire day went by and I felt defeated, like I had been kicked in the gut. He didn’t look much better. We barely spoke.
Then, when I had gathered my senses, I wrote him a long email, listing all of my grievances and exactly what he needed to do to fix them.
I know that my husband has been suffering from depression since he was let go from his last job and that has been a lot of his reaction to our FLR. He wants to please, but he believes that he’s changing too much or that he can’t keep up with all the rules because he’s not as organized or as perceptive as I am. So, I wrote him the following email:
I want to save our marriage and our FLR.
I love you. But, I hate that you are unhappy. Sadly, the more I contemplate why that is, the more I realize that it’s about your own issues and not necessarily about me. Our FLR was going pretty well until (your old job) let you go. Everything has kind of been a roller-coaster, ever since.
If I did not believe that you had the ability to change your life, for the better, I would not have married you, in the first place. But, I am getting sick and tired of this pity party. I know suffering from depression is difficult, but it can often be tempered with a more positive outlook on life, versus the negative messages you repeat to yourself over and over, again.
This and other rules that we will use going forward is what your notebook, that I had you buy, last week, is for.
Every single day, you will start a gratitude list. A list of 5 or more things that you are grateful for, even if you are having a shit day. Something as simple as “grateful for smoke breaks” or “grateful for bacon” is allowed, but look forward more to, “grateful I have a job (any job) or “grateful for my Diva” is more along the lines of things I would like to see on your lists.
You will continue with your chores and if/when you get clarification on things that I tell you, you will write it down in your notebook. You won’t have to guess if you write things down and refer to your notebook on a daily basis. I will have you add to or delete rules from your book at my whim.
Just as I require you to draw me a bath every night, I require you to shower, every night, as well.
You may cut your hair every two weeks, but you must continue shaving, every day (I prefer you clean shaven).
You will get rid of that Avalanche sweatshirt. I don’t like how it looks on you.
You will wash your coats once a week (the gray one and the red/black one) to eliminate the cigarette smell.
You will not make jokes about me or any other woman, whether you are in my presence or not.
Unless it is an issue of legal vs illegal, I am always right, even if you strongly disagree.
When I ask for your opinion, I really do want it. But, I am allowed to dismiss it, if I disagree.
I do not like pep talks, even when I am in a bad mood. I most often just want you to listen. I do not want your advice, unless I ask specifically for it.
You will ask before you do anything of consequence, including smoking a cigarette, eating around me (because you know that listening to you eat annoys me), or leaving to run errands or go for a walk of any kind, even when I am not around.
You will carefully check labels before you buy me things that contain sucralose, Acesulfame potassium, or phenylalanine.
When you are in my presence, you will wear an apron (this is in place of a collar) to show your deference to me. If you misbehave, you will be required to wear that apron and nothing else, whenever you are at home (only with boxer shorts, if others are home).
I am sorry if you believe that I am being hard on you, but I am trying to build you into the man that I know that you can be. Suck it up and NO mumbling, if you don’t like the directions that I am giving you. Keep your tongue in your mouth and move slowly and cautiously when you feel like you are getting angry. That is a sign of impertinence and grounds for sentences and being naked in nothing but an apron.
You will always refer in terms of “Yes, Ma’am” and “No, Ma’am” to any female that you come in contact with. No exceptions. I do not care how you refer to other men. If a woman is in need of assistance, you will be the first to volunteer, whether you want to or not, unless the assistance is beyond your skillset.
You will smile and be polite, not sullen and grumpy whenever you are in my presence. You will fake it. I don’t care if you aren’t really making it. Save your negative emotions for your daily grooming time or when you have alone time on the internet.
You will kiss my feet and lips, before leaving my presence, when we are at home. If you forget this, you will be required to kneel at my feet, naked, while I rest my feet on your back for 30 minutes and then you will write sentences. When we are in public, you will kiss my hand, instead, as well as my lips.
I will always expect an apology for your misbehavior and a thank you when you have been corrected (disciplined).
During sex, I will allow for you to go down on me and then have intercourse with me, bareback with your own penis. After you have come, then all pleasure is mine and you will not tire, until I do. Learn to listen carefully to my directions when you are wearing the new penis-extension and pay attention to the sounds that I make, that should be sufficient guidance to you, even if you cannot “feel” how things are going.
If you are feeling horny or amorous and have the desire to tell me of your feelings, you must ask permission to do so first. You are not allowed to touch or approach me in a romantic or sexual manner without first getting my blessing, in case I am not in the mood. You will keep track of my menstrual cycle in your notebook and even keep track of the days before or after my period that I am more likely to accept your advances so that you have a better idea of when to approach me romantically or sexually.
I will write ALONE every day that I am home, at approximately 3pm. You may not take a walk, but you may set up shop at the desk, in the spare room, with your own laptop, to give me the time that I need, however long it takes, to get my writing done. You may take the dog out, with permission, as needed.
I will no longer say please or thank you as I expect you to follow my directions, knowing that those two things are implied. I will show my gratitude in other ways, such as when I allow you to do things like go for a walk or smoke a cigarette in my presence.
As it is, YOU have actually been the one controlling our FLR with your passive-aggressive moods when you don’t like what I ask of you, but that stops now. It’s ALL my way, or the highway. There is no more compromise, because that has not worked. There is no need for you to take anything personally, because it’s about ME not you. When I am happier, you will be happier (maybe not happy, just happi-ER), so use that to your advantage and to work on our marriage.
Simply reply to this email with, “Yes, Diva”, the proper response to every directive that I give you and with a smile on your face, whether you mean it or not.
He replied, a short time later, with “Yes, Diva” and not another word has been spoken about the incident, since.
I later witnessed him taking his notebook and copying from his email, the directions that I submitted to him and he immediately began implementing every directive that I gave him.
I’m just hoping that this time, it sticks. He’s not going to like what my Plan B or C is.